(Originally written Nov. 2013)
“Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I’ve been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.”
My heart has been heavy since leaving MTI yesterday. I knew I would feel a loss from the community that we have been living in for the last 4 weeks, but I guess I underestimated the intensity of it. I tried sleeping in the car while traveling yesterday to lessen the blow and not think about it, but I couldn’t. I wanted to play music and block it out, but the music playing reminded me of worship there. Finally I gave in to what the Holy Spirit was telling me – to feel it and not fight it. But it stinks.
I never thought emotions and grief were a problem for me. I am that mom who cries at Little House on the Prairie, every church service we go to, and YouTube videos of puppies and kittens. My kids are no strangers to seeing me cry.
So when Robin, one of our trainers this week said, “I want you to be your children’s heroes when it comes to walking through grief and loss” I was surprised at my reaction. My knee jerk reaction was to think that the best way to help them was to avoid having to go through it. I have felt like a failure many times as a parent because we are constantly putting them in situations with these things occurring.
Apparently a healthy grief, a deep, mournful loss, a guttural prayer and moan, and a tender heart are super hero qualities! Who knew?
So as we pulled out yesterday, surrounded by new friends – really new brothers and sisters – tears were streaming down our faces and sobs wrenched our hearts as the kids gulped and cried with us. But we held hands, cried together, acknowledged and affirmed the deep loss we were going through, and eventually everyone settled into a silence that was full of the safe knowledge that we all understood each other. There were no trite words, empty promises (or even real promises) – there were really no words at all. Just gentle looks, shared groans, and healing touches.
And we keep processing.
The kids were so happy to get a Facebook hug from Miss Becca last night. We have been texting and communicating with MTI friends all day. Pictures are being shared and blogs being read. And MTI has become the new “favorite place” of our children – sorry, Delta Lake!
Yet my grief just keeps churning. Sorrow has been coursing through my heart that seems to go beyond the grief of leaving Colorado. Tears start anew at little, unimportant things and inopportune times.
And I say to Him time and time again, “Father, Help!” I want to feel it, yet I want to run as fast as I can from it. I want to dig down deep and see what some of the roots of this sorrow is – yet I want to close my eyes and ignore it just as much. But he chooses to answer my cry for help, and he starts to peel back the layers that are there. While the grief from leaving MTI is genuine, deep, and not to be ignored, there has been a prodding into other areas of my life that I have not fully grieved. When Tim and Robin had us probe into these places I was not only given permission to feel them, I was actually encouraged to look at them closely, to allow those things to kind of float around me for a while and think upon them – to “jump off the high dive” instead of dipping my toes into the water.
And when I started it was like a dam broke.
I grieved the loss of my mom all over again, in deeper ways than I was able to face at the time. I miss her so much. I want her to be here – to share in my excitement about going to South Sudan, to see pictures of where we will be living, to make plans to come visit us there, to know her grandchildren and be known by them. As one friend said this week, I want to have her hug at the airport, but I won’t.
I grieved the end to our time in Malawi. I gave my heart to that place, that ministry, those people. And yet we had to leave in a way that I never really got to say good-bye. I never really got closure.
I grieved over the loss of the church family that had become our life-line in the past few years in New York. The people who knew us in deep ways – the right and the good and the deep, dark, ugly things. The people who prayed with us and for us. The people who have walked through our lives with us for the past five years.
I grieved the loss of time – the fact that another year has ended and we are not in Africa yet. That our time with John is getting shorter and shorter. I know His hand is in all these things, but the feelings of grief are real and need to be acknowledged.
I grieved hurts from childhood that have popped up in my adult life time and time again. The loss of innocence, the things I saw that cannot be taken back, the feelings that were stuffed down and spilled out at the wrong times.
And I grieved loss of home. That is why it has been so very hard to leave MTI. It was a safe haven. It was a place where we did not have to explain our hearts or motives. Where living out of a van for months doesn’t seem so strange. And it was a place where people spoke into our lives with wisdom, challenge, and love – from experience. We were not handled with kid gloves, but given every opportunity to grow and know God more while being prepared for the next part of our lives. We were loved, and we loved.
Whole-heartedly. And that’s why it felt like home – not just because that’s where we “hung our hats” for a month. And leaving that home we are back in a different hotel each night, fast food, and uncertainty about the timing of things.
Sometimes I felt it would be easier to just not let myself love the people there. To isolate our family and not let the kids get their hearts involved. But the quote at the beginning of this was given to us this month, and I realized that the alternative to no suffering was no real love. I can’t have that and I can’t teach that to my kids. It’s time to act like a grown woman instead of a little girl.
So Shawn and I are putting on our super hero capes and wading through this grief. We are learning to communicate with the kids and each other, and giving grace in these times on loss. Thanks for your prayers during this time. It’s not fun, but it’s necessary. And I do thank my God for it – because I would never have wanted to miss it.