Month: October 2019

Lessons from Little Hearts

/ shawnheather96 / Leave a comment

(Written in 2013)

I learn so much from my kids.  They are really God’s biggest blessings to me.

Anna wanted to go Christmas shopping – for me – today!  (Yay – I like gifts, I admit it!)  And the kids decided to exchange names with each other so they could get a little something for each other without going broke.  They just love to give gifts!  So I headed out the door with Anna, Andrew, and RJ this morning to go looking.  We were planning to go to the dollar store, Walmart, and Big Lots.  My thought was that they would find a few little things at the dollar store and then we could head home and forget the other stores.  They each found some fun stuff at the dollar store – but then wanted to go to Walmart to head to the lego department.  Apparently, they decided that the best idea was to forgo the little pieces of things that break and to get something that the person really wanted.  I hesitated.  See, my kids don’t really get an allowance.  And the younger two don’t have jobs to make extra money outside of our home like John and Anna do.  They rely on getting money as gifts for the most part.  They had some money from my grandmother as an early Christmas gift and some money that they had found in their treasure hunt over Thanksgiving. And they wanted to buy an exciting gift.

So we went to Walmart and headed directly to the toy aisle.  They zeroed in on the legos, and each found something that made them very excited.  Anna had RJ’s name, and immediately picked out the perfect lego set for him.  RJ decided that the nail polish he bought Anna at the dollar store was not the only thing he wanted to give her, because she would “love the dinosaur in this lego set, Mom!”  And Andrew, who thinks John is about the coolest big brother ever, couldn’t wait to pick out the hobbit set for him.  (I hope my kids don’t read my blog…)

Here’s my dilemma.  I was looking at the money that they each had in the envelopes and thinking, “They want to spend all their Christmas money on each other?  Then they won’t have anything left for themselves.”  I pointed this out – more than once.  Mostly I didn’t want meltdowns or buyers remorse later.  But each of them was so excited to give “the perfect gift” to their sibling.  They can hardly wait until Christmas because of it!  And I must admit – they really are the perfect gifts.  They put a lot of thought into it, and gave generously.

I am constantly going back and forth at this time of year.  To give or not to give.  To spend or not to spend.  I think people go crazy, and I do not agree with going in debt and giving in excess for the sake of keeping up with others.  I don’t believe the craze of more, more, more  and living in stress because of it is pleasing to Jesus, nor a wise use of what he gives us.  But I LOVE giving my kids gifts and watching their faces light up when it is the thing they have been wanting.  And I think that’s ok.  God loves to give us good gifts.  He delights in us and in giving us those good things.  I understand that feeling from watching my kids.

And now after watching them sacrifice and give to each other – generously and excitedly – I saw another side thing that makes Him happy.  He loves for his children to be generous.  That’s why he gives us so much – to glorify him.  My kids weren’t worried about not having any extra money left.  They have a pretty good understanding of giving, saving, and spending – we have been teaching them that for years.  And they are so good at each part of those!  They all know that we will get them gifts and that their needs (and even some of their wants) are taken care of because we love them.  In that security they can give and love others.

Thank you, Jesus, for always loving me and giving me so many things.  Thank you, especially, for my children and their hearts for you and others.

Worry

/ shawnheather96 / Leave a comment

(originally posted 2014)

 

I saw this on a friend’s wall today on Facebook, and have thought about it all day:

“Worry is not believing God will get it right, and bitterness is believing God got it wrong.” Tim Keller

The worry part I knew and understood – it is something I think about often as I get anxious and fret.  However,  I have never thought of bitterness that way before. It makes me really dig deeper into my reaction to some things.  I have a deep desire to trust God in all circumstances – past, present, and future.  Honestly, it gives me much relief and freedom to really live that way – realizing I don’t have to “remind” God, nag him, reprimand him, or worry that he has “ulterior” motives.  Who am I to say he is not doing things right or that God got it wrong in the past? Isn’t it more freeing to just believe he is who he says he is, he loves as he says he does, and he has a perfect plan that he is carrying out to completion in our lives?

This quote came at exactly the right time to remind me of this.  Don’t you love when he works that way?

Anxiety Wars

/ shawnheather96 / Leave a comment

(originally written Nov 1, 2018)

Yesterday  I was having a conversation with Shawn about a particular situation we have been working through that went something like this:

Shawn: “How are you feeling?”

Me:  “I feel good.  Like, I actually don’t have any anxiety.  I feel like God truly is going to work this out in a way that tangibly us shows his love for us and he will get the glory.  This is a strange feeling..” (Long pause, overthinking, deep gulp of breath) “And now I have anxiety about not having anxiety!”

Oh, Heather of little faith.

I can chuckle about the whole conversation, but the truth is that it really isn’t funny to be that familiar with stress and so unfamiliar with the peace of laying that at His feet.  I was (over) thinking about it again later and had to start really ask my self some hard questions. How did that brief moment of peace feel, and why is it so foreign to me ? Why is it so uncommon and momentous that I want to write about it?

Let’s be real for a minute here.  Having a moment of panic or anxiety pop up is NOT a sin. It is a natural by-product of our new selves in Him constantly fighting our old selves of the flesh. Add to that the brokenness of this hurting, chaotic world and we are bound to have it attack us sometimes.  I am also not talking about an anxiety that requires medication.  There have been times that I have been on meds for these types of things. The only thing wrong in that case is feeling too embarrassed or weak to seek out help because of it. Those are lies.  However, with the daily, normal stress of everyday there is a problem with allowing oneself to wallow in it, or to jump in head first and whole-heartedly because it feels familiar and – dare I say – safe.  It is easier than the fight.  It is “normal.”

This is where I know some of you are saying, “But what about…” or “You have no idea…”

I understand, friends. I truly do.

You can see from my opening conversation how “normal” anxiety is for me.  As a matter of fact, many counselors all over the world could retire from what my family alone pays in counseling services.  I  second guess myself and my decisions about every little thing. I remember once when I was pregnant for Andrew I had debate within my mind over whether it would be better for our family to have another girl or another boy to add to the crew. I got seriously stressed over it, feeling on the verge of a panic attack before allowing the Spirit to actually breakthrough and give me His peace about the fact that I had ZERO control over the whole situation anyway and – oh yeah –  if the God of the universe, who created every single person and family was in control, then maybe it was ok for me to trust him rather than waste precious sleep time having that debate.

I’m a mess.

I’ve experienced panic attacks in the car on a regular basis since I was a child.  I can think of probable reasons for this beginning, but after 40+ years I somehow had talked myself into believing that this was just who I am and I gave up hope of ever feeling victorious over it.  I made myself believe it is just a part of who I am.

Then I watched my youngest suffer through debilitating panic attacks.   The kind where there is no reasoning, no talking, no loving  that can bring him out of it until he is removed from the situation that brought him into it in the first place.  My maternal instincts kicked into overdrive and I started to do everything I could to help him overcome and find peace.  My hope and celebrations for RJ as I see victories, and the soul-crushing hopelessness that comes when it often seems more like one step forward, two steps back drove me deep into the Father’s arms in ways I had given up on for me. My glimpses of peace made me long for that for my little boy – and for me, and a new type of war began.

Today as I sat in the counselor’s office she was asking me about this very thing.  She mentioned that when you live with something for so long in your life, you don’t know what to do without it and even welcome it back.  I told her about my conversation with Shawn, and she smiled knowingly.  Suddenly I felt a sense of freedom the promise that I am not the only one dealing with this, as well as the reminder that it is not something I always have to hold on to and be “ok” with.  I will do what it takes to be free – whatever that is.  Freedom comes in different ways for each of us, and in each situation. There is no shame in that. 

So today I begin again.

“I’m no longer a slave to fear.  I am a child of God.”